From Her Fingertips

Been walking around in circles for months now. Frustration, fear, anxiety, pain, taking turns without letting anyone else play. Decisions are the hardest. I've drowned in them, lost hope in them, felt dispair in them. You never know how hard life can be until you hit the bottom, face first.  Though I don't have all the answers, though I'm not sure of much right now. Today I found myself thinking that the decision I made means that I'm about to have my life back. My life back. I was struggling so hard to conform, to do what's right, what is expected, that I started living someone else's life. I clenched my fists, clenched my jaws, clenched my breath all in order not to feel     But in the end truth always wins. I was knocked to the ground by her, with just one slap in the face. I was dumbfounded, then furious and frustrated, but still face forward on the ground. And even when I started getting up I fell back down to my knees.  I've made a decision. I want my ...

I want to write you love letters and praising poems. Want to tell you how you make me feel using words that weren't even invented yet. I want to heal all your wounds and comfort you. I want you to hand me your secrets like they were newborn kittens; blind and without hearing, trusting me to nurture them. I want to give to you, give, give, give, everything I have and just a little more. I want you to stop being my writers block, my a world away frustration, my uncertain future and... I want you to stop repeating the mundane and start speaking of the profound. I want you to meet me half way. I want you. Why am I so scared? 

I love watching babies sleep. There's something so calm and angel like about them. I could just sit and watch forever. I still love watching my daughter sleep though it has been years since she was a baby. I also find myself staring at the man in my life when I wake up and he's still asleep. The first time we slept next to each other I was compelled to take a picture of him with my phone, I just wanted to capture that moment. To hold on to the perfectness of him asleep, but I didn't. Being in a room where someone is asleep is not being alone but being left alone. You have company, you have the even sound of breathe, you have the physical presence of someone else. Still you don't have the pressure of needing to interact or give anything of yourself. It's a perfect moment. I really savored my daughter as a baby, I spent hours just holding her, looking at her, smelling her. I hope that the next time I have a baby I'll have time to enjoy that baby just the sa...

She's a real b****! She shows up at the wrong moments, popping up her ugly head like a jack in the box. She leaves a bitter taste on my tongue and a spell of dizziness hits my head. She claims to be my friend, but I can't see how that would be possible. I don't appreciate her so called friendship or reaccuruing presence in my life. I've told her to leave, but she refuses to. And I feel stuck with her. 

Sometimes I really believe that everything was meant to be and is exactly how it's supposed to. Other times I don't believe that for a second. In all honesty don't we just tell ourselves that everything happens for a reason to comfort ourselves? Usually this sentence rolls off our tongues when things are not going as expected or as we hoped. I don't know what I believe today. There's a sense of loss and disappointment that I would like to pretend does not exist. "Everything happens for a reason" just numbs these feelings, it doesn't make them go away. Sometimes being sad needs to be ok too. 

Sometimes I'm too emotional for my own good, letting feelings rule me. Sometimes I don't listen to my intuition enough, making bad choices. It's hard to not be scared of relationships when they have hurt you so intensely in the past. Remind me that love is brave, remind me that love is kind, remind me that love did not hurt me in the past people did. My emotions need space for expression, sometimes words are not enough. 

Too tired to do. Too tired to sleep. 

When other people speak for us I always wonder why they do it? Is it because they think we cannot speak for ourselves or because they think they can speak better for us than we can? When others define me I wonder why? Do they think that I cannot think for myself? Or do they think I lack the ability of knowing who I am?