From Her Fingertips

Sometimes I look at the people that are in my life today and I wonder how we got here. I mean of course I know how we met, how friendships formed, how our journey together has evolved... But I still find myself surprised at times. Surprised that the ones that are still here are, surprised that some of the people in my life are so interchangeable.  I love some of my friends deeply. Some, not many, have known me for many, many years, seen all my weird stages, known me before I knew who I was. And even after all that they are still here. It's kind of amazing.  Then there are all those people that came for a short period, stayed and then moved on. The former friends who disappointed me or grew apart from me or moved away (physically or emotionally) or just disappeared in life's chaos. I rarely mourn these relationships, though I sometimes look back on them for whatever reason; to see how far I've come, to remember how hard life was, to remember how easy life was. It's amazi...

Right before I fall asleep is when I can feel the memory of his body against mine. The way his chest feels when he hugs me. He has wide shouldered and solid, still there is so much softness in his embrace.  Right before I fall asleep it's like time hasn't passed and we just embraced. I wonder if the memory of him is deep within my skin or lodged inside my mind. Either way it feels real, like it happened just now.  Can't wait for time to move fast so I can hold him again. 

I admitted today that I have been scared of him seeing my flaws, realizing how not perfect I am. For some reason I thought I had to be perfect to deserve his love. He never said so, I just decided it must be so. Not because he is perfect, just because I always have to be. So I tried to hide the flaws I have, but I'm bad at hiding stuff, another not perfect trait I own. And he saw me. Flaws and all. I don't think any man has ever paid attention to me like him, with his eyes, his ears, his nose, all his senses seem heightened. And he still wants to love me. Still wants to hold me in his arms till he grows old. Still wants to take me on, with my child and be apart of our family. Still wants to make babies and live together.  We have always traded honesty, with open palms and clear sentences. What I thought he didn't see we're the lies I told myself. But he sees everything, he hears everything and that is why I'm his. Forever.