From Her Fingertips

I can't stand to look at you because this is almost goodbye. I hate goodbyes. Does anyone really like goodbyes? My feelings are misplaced and unseen. Or maybe you do see? I can't hide my face in my palms anymore. Afraid that your touches will make me cry. You said you don't want me to cry. Would you rather see me hide? 

I got my car fixed, or so I told myself. In reality I didn't do what I knew I was supposed to, which was bring it to the mechanic and spend lots of money to get to fixed. Instead I asked someone I knew to fix it. Sure I gave him some cash in the hand praying that my car would be good enough to drive just a little while longer. Yeah it worked, it was moving all right. Moving forward. But the blinking lights were still blinking on the dashboard. Once again I took a piece of cardboard and glued it over the blinking lights. Out of sight out of mind.  But then I started driving up hill. That big hill I've been looking at for months thinking I have to conquer. If I can only conquer that hill then I know my car is fixed and I can keep on driving into the sunset. But something very expected happened when I started driving up the hill, after just a short while I found myself rolling backwards. With panic in my entire body all I could say was "Please no, please no!" I needed to...

It's such a simple word with such a profound meaning. It has grown on me. It has evolved. 

Again and again I find myself here; packing. Getting ready for the next thing, the thing I've longed for. That thing I planned months ago and couldn't wait for to arrive. But as I pack now I also plan for the next thing months from now.  Unpacking, I am almost done, as I realize that packing is about to begin again. I wonder, is this packing and unpacking really good for me? This chasing the next... Isn't that what addicts do? Chasing the next high, the next buzz, the next thing to make you feel. The next thing to numb the pain and anxiety. The next distraction.  But this was the year that it all caught up with me. Between a still partly packed bag and a new year. I came down from that high, got a real slap in the face. Still now, seven months later I am here, chasing that distraction between moving boxes and suitcases. You can run but you can't hide. But you can try. I will continue to try.