Brown Skin

Being a light skinned (biracial) is according to a lot of people a benefit. To me it has always, or at least for as long as I can remember, been a struggle. I've always wanted to be darker. Though no one has ever mistaken me for being white (Latina yes, white no) I've somehow always felt like my African features weren't enough. Like my coily hair and my dark almost black eyes weren't enough proof of me being African. I wonder where this come forms? I can't remember anyone saying anything that would have been the catalyst of this feeling. Maybe it just came from me.

Even today when I see beautiful black women a hint of jealousy is there. It's not their beauty, it's the deep brown of their skin, nothing is more beautiful. Though mainstream media prefers a Beyonce look before a India Arie look, I'm the opposite. Maybe because my complexion is closer to Beyonce's than India Arie's.

For most of my life I've had to explain why my skin is brown to whoever seems to think it's their business  It's something I can't hide from. I proud of my brown skin, I'm just sick of having to explain it. It gets more complex in settings were there are either a lot of black people or a lot of white people. White people usually ask to start a conversation, trying to connect to me by telling me about so and so who they know who has a child with someone from this African country. African people usually ask me to find out where on the continent they should place me. Black people in say the US usually ask me when they have talked to me and figured out I'm not American. The African-Americans have been the least curious though, to them I'm just black. The aftermath of slavery and the one drop rule makes me just black, unless I want to identify as biracial.

I'm well aware that at times I have overcompensated my African side with clothes, art etc. I don't know whom I was trying to prove what? I was just going to write that no one has ever questioned it, but that's not true. I've had people say I'm not African. Those people were all white. It's strange how I've let their ignorant comments matter.

I'm brown enough for the white people to see me as exotic but not threatening. I'm brown enough for African people to see I am connected to them and ask me about my father. I'm brown, not black. People always want to label biracial as better or worse, never the same, always different. Skin tone matters more than white people want to admit, more than black people want to speak about.

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