Healing Scars

Some experiences we go through in life can feel unfair, painful and senseless when we are in the midst of them, but looking back when time has past they usually start making sense in life. My second son’s birth is such a thing.

I went through my second pregnancy alone, his father moved to Sweden only three weeks prior to his birth. In my mind I imagined that dream vaginal birth I had seen in too many birthing videos; calm, held and supported by my partner, the baby being placed on my chest right away, etc. But my first son’s birth was nothing like that. My water broke and it was nothing like a Hollywood movie; no contractions, no birth. We waited and waited. Finally I spiked a fever and my doula urged me to go to the hospital. After a few hours in the hospital they decided a c-section was the best option. This was an option I hadn’t even considered. My daughter, my first born, was born vaginally so I assumed my second would too. I was extremely emotional before and during the c-section. Yes, I didn’t want to give birth that way, but what upset me the most was the separation from my newborn son. 

This birth was something I thought about daily for at least a year after his birth. I felt disappointed, sad, robbed of my dream and my power. It made me feel weak and very sad. Though I logically knew  it wasn’t a bad situation and I had a good recovery without complications, I couldn’t shake the feelings I experienced. 

When I found out I was expecting again I realized that I hadn’t quite healed the pain I felt from the c- section. I talked to my friends that are midwives as support. I talked to my doula and my partner. I was extremely scared to go through a c-section again. But what I realized then was how my c-section experience has made it easier for me to relate and care for families that go through a c-section. Both professionally but also privately. I wouldn’t have fully understood what it’s like to go through a c-section if I wouldn’t have gone through one myself. This realization changed a lot of emotions for me. And experiencing a intense VBAC which turned into a water birth - something I’ve dreamed of for probably 14 years - was extremely healing. 

My scar on my stomach from my c-section will always be there. But the scars I had emotionally are finally fading. 




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