A Black Woman

I had no one to teach me how to be a black woman growing up. My first encounter with black women was on TV on the Cosby show. Then, when I was closing in on womanhood, in my pre-teens I found hip hop. And there were rappers like Salt'n'Peper, Lil' Kim and Foxy Brown. I loved the movie Set It Off and watched it uncountable times. I also loved Waiting to Exhale. Both these movies showed strong, independent black women, and unfortunately a lot of no good black men.  I realize today how this has affected me as a woman. And in relationship with black men. My father being emotionally unavailable just added to the growing problem. (This is a whole story on its own)

I am a single mother. I have been since before the birth of my daughter. This is not by chance. Pretty early on I knew I would become a single mother, years before I became pregnant. I think somehow African American images made me believe that this is what motherhood is for the black woman. And in a strange way as a teenage I idolized this, I thought it was the ultimate proof of independence. This was important, the independence part, not having to depend on anyone else. I've spent years and years proving my independence to everyone, including myself. Or rather, I've been proving that I can be that image of a black woman, I can do it all. By myself. I've been a mom, gone to school, worked, taken on different projects and been a good friend to everybody that needed me. I've done what I thought I was supposed to do, as a woman. As a black woman.

It wasn't until today when I thought about what movies my daughter watches and how they may influence her, that I stopped to think about how movies have influenced me. I had no one to teach me how to be a black woman. I have not seen myself in my mother for years, it was clear very early on that this white woman knew nothing of what it is to raise a brown skinned child. A child that one day will become a woman. I'm sure she did the best she can, she just didn't know better, she has privilege that she refuses to acknowledge. So here I find myself, raising a brown skinned girl. A future black woman. My daughter doesn't need movies or TV shows to tell her that a black woman is tough, independent and doesn't need a man, she has me. I am teaching here to be the stereotype of a black woman. This is not who I want to be anymore.

I'm 30 years old, and I need to re-learn what it is to be a black woman.